So here's the thing: we've all done it. Held in that fart in the middle of a meeting, despite the discomfort of the wind staying trapped in your bloated bowel. Or desperately, hopefully, let it slip out surreptitiously, silently. But you know those are the smelly ones.

Wait 30-45 seconds for osmosis to set in.

Everyone looks around, knowingly, scathingly. You look particularly innocent, wondering if it would make you more or less likely a suspect if you say the obvious, "Ok, who dropped that?"

How about the burp that just has to come out? Not as socially marginalising as the fart, but you still get disapproving looks, like you are an absolutely incompetent moron. Why weren't you taught to be more in control of your body as a child?

Cough though, and you're politely excused (as long as you cover your mouth). And should you sneeze, well, you are blessed by all and sundry. Do it three times and it's a merry, sometimes hilarious, talking point.

Here's the other thing: coughing and sneezing are the most unhygienic actions a human can execute, spreading viruses, bacteria and germs for metres and covering everyone with minute, unseen particles of mucus and saliva. Even when you cover up, some escapes.

Yet burping and farting simply emits unneeded gas from our bodies. No-one has ever caught a cold from a burp or had days off work because someone farted too close to them.

What gives?

I can't really fathom the whole mixed up social response to these bodily functions. Perhaps you can enlighten me — comment below, please! But I have some observations I'll share first, if I may.

Firstly, I think there's a whole nature/nurture screw-up going on. We seem to attribute bodily control of gas emission to nurture — how we were brought up, politeness and manners, social appropriateness. Crap! Our bodies take in air and produce gas. Our bodies need to expel it. That's nature. Get over it.

(We usually get it mixed up the other way, interestingly. We attribute learned responses like greed, violence and irresponsibility to human nature when in fact they are nurtured behaviours. But that's another post.) 

Secondly, somehow we've condemned completely innocuous bodily functions and condoned harmful ones. Perhaps it comes from the plague when you were considered all but dead when you coughed and sneezed. I'm not saying let's ostracise people when the cough or sneeze, but let's get things a bit balanced, shall we?

"Better out than in" has always been my response to a stray burp or fart and I'd like to see that catch on like "Bless you."

Perhaps B.O.T.I. could be the next "in" acronym? T-shirt anyone?