relationship |riˈlā sh ənˌ sh ip|

(noun) the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected 

negotiation |nəˌgō sh ēˈā sh ən|

(noun; also negotiations) discussion aimed at reaching an agreement. ORIGIN late 15th cent. (denoting an act of dealing with another person)

At the end of last year I started dating a guy and, four months later, we are still seeing each other. I've not been public about this until now, for obvious reasons.

Well, perhaps it's not obvious, actually. The truth is, I'm pretty independent and I've always been a bit cynical about the meanings we place on "love", being "in love" and the status of "coupledom". I have known a lot of people in relationships who, to me, haven't seemed too happy; yet I've always been quite happy being single. As a result, I've never really identified as "being in a relationship" with the guys with whom I have been out, because I've not really wanted to be in one.

Until now. Maybe. But maybe not.

What's stopped me in the past from "sticking with it" is that there has always come a time that I have realised that, for me, the cost of the relationship felt greater than the benefit. My independence has felt compromised by interdependence. "Freedom" has seemed too high a price to pay for "family".

Maybe I'm just getting older, but this time I've decided to stay with these old feelings of discomfort, for no other reason than to see what happened. It's been hard work at times, but this has been made much easier by both Andrew and my ability to be articulate and patient with each other as we've talked things through.

There's been a lot of talking, hours in fact, which as led to a bit of a revelation.

I have been thinking that the notion of "relationship", defined above as the state of being connected, is a bit of a misnomer for — or perhaps an over-simplification of — the complexity of how we humans become intimately engaged with each other.

So, I've begun thinking of myself as being in a "negotiationship" instead, or a continuous discussion aimed at reaching agreement. 

Using this new frame of reference I recognise that a lot of relationships, both personal and professional, don't work well because people do not put enough importance on the process of communication in order to agree. When I say "agree", I don't mean "agreeing with", I mean "agreeing to" and, in particular, "agreeing to a common understanding of what things mean".

Let's jump in the deep end and start with the ultimate — the meaning of "love". According to Wikipedia:

"There are several Greek words for love, as the Greek language distinguishes how the word is used. Ancient Greek has four distinct words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē."

In stark contrast, English uses only one word to describe these four very different concepts, respectively unconditional love, romance, friendship and affection.

We also have this notion of "being in love", with which, as I've already said, I have never quite felt at ease. Again, turning to Wikipedia, searching for "in love" gets you redirected to "Romance (love)", which is, in turn, defined as:

"distinguish(ing) moments and situations within interpersonal relationships to an individual as contributing to a significant relationship connection" and, ironically, "the addition of drama to relationships of love."

This is all very subjective stuff, don't you think? How often do we talk about these distingishing moments, or about the implications of adding drama?

Some of the other things Andrew and I have been exploring and agreeing to are, for example:

• amount of self-time vs together time;
• balancing shared and separate friendships;
• differences between work and personal relationship crossovers; and
• attitudes towards tidiness.

Acknowledging that these things don't somehow work themselves out, just because you're connected by a relationship — and understanding even if you work them out once they'll not stay the same forever — lowers the risk of assumptions, expectations, resentment and, eventually, conflict.

Similarly, continual negotiations in professional interactions — work styles, stress levels, fluctuations in motivation and interests, to name a few — are vital to healthy, productive collaboration.

To add to the dynamism, as the picture of the chessboard above applies, behind and affecting us all are our vast networks of family, friends colleagues and communities, which are ever-changing and forever changing us.

So, if you think your relationships aren't working or just could be better, consider entering into a negotiationship instead. It could be just what you need in your life.